wonderlusted.

2012-01-29T15:26:00.002-06:00

I found this the other day - an excerpt from a journal entry I had written almost a year ago. As one of my Resolutions has been to write (right?) more and lie less, I found this fitting (albeit, a bit dramatic) and thought it worth sharing.*

“I feel the weight of this story -my story -almost every day, and most moments I’m entirely unsure of how to rid myself of it. Words traipse around in my head, linking to one another in the most confusing of ways, refusing to leave without some sort of pleading and tugging- without a battle that leaves me feeling bruised and sad. But, if I’m honest, I suppose I decided only a little while ago, give or take eight or nine years, that I wanted to enlist in this kind of gore. I signed some kind of silent contract, I’m almost sure. I decided I couldn’t engage in a life that didn’t have tangled up words lining its walls. Big, gentle, wonderful words to hang my world upon, so that it could be looked at, and not soon forgotten...

...And so this too is my promise: to cry and to laugh and to swear and to dance and to pray, always in the present. Because the present is our only present, our only gift. And I refuse to make a lie of it."
(April 2011)

*Sundays are usually good for a little drama, am I right?

a rant. and happy holidays.

2011-11-28T21:19:00.001-06:00

A friend was over the other day and we complained about the weather for a good ten minutes. We discussed its inconsistencies and the way in which it shuffled poor schmucks like us around our closets until we were dizzy with indecision, unable to commit to the number of layers that are inevitably required during these “Winter” months in Texas. And then we talked about the upcoming holidays and how it felt strange and unsettling, the way time is cruising this year, willing us to participate in its requirements more quickly than we would like. I told her I've got half a mind to put my very delicate foot down and refuse. I’ve got too much to get done! I want to enjoy autumn! And pumpkins! And all of those "harvest parties" that I'm not invited to! And now it’s "Winter"? And what’s with the Daylight Savings? Seriously. When it gets dark at 5:00pm it’s basically in direct opposition to any kind of productivity, save the eating, of course. Because, you know, if there is anything I’m relatively productive at, it’s eating. (Taco salad is my specialty.)

Anyhow.

It feels in between, all of this. Somewhere between last "Winter" and last week, I realized just how old I’m becoming. Not how old I am. Because old is, at the very least, oh, I don’t know, 36? But rather, you know, how old I’m becoming. I’m almost thirty. OH DEAR GOD. Suddenly, as if overnight, I’ve been inundated with questions regarding my marital status and future family plans and retirement fund. And as if that weren’t bad enough, all of my friend’s uteri are mass producing screaming (and I’ll admit, somewhat charming) children who will inevitably grow up to be renowned investment bankers or something almost awesome like that and all I’ve got to show for myself is a large, lazy dog, a panic-inducing amount of student loans and very dirty floors. And when I say dirty floors, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

All of this is to say, the "winter" makes me cranky, HOW IS IT ALREADY DECEMBER? (I'm running out of time to enjoy my youth), and being 29 and single in this town = future proprietor of large quantities of cats and accompanying paraphernalia.

Oh!
And Happy Holidays.

2011-10-23T22:34:00.003-05:00

Converting some spaces around here.
Stick around, if you'd like.

equilibrium.

2011-07-29T11:34:00.003-05:00

It's been too long,

I know,

since I've written here.

My sincerest apologies to my vast

array of readers out there.

(I'll text all three of you later and

let you know the details of things.)

However,

for now,

let me fill in the gaps for those of you

who may just be passing through.

Change.

And lots of it.

People moving on.

People moving out.

Rooms flipping.

Walls emptying.

Jobs ending.

New jobs beginning.

Old relationships.

New relationships.

Lots of reading.

Less t.v. watching.

Hours of class.

More cooking.

All good

and progression,

no doubt.

But I don't know.

I feel a little topsy-turvy right now.

However, I have all the confidence in the world that

at the end of my spinning

I'll end up facing in the correct direction.

I think it just may take a bit for my equilibrium to understand.

Laughter.

2011-07-02T22:51:00.003-05:00

Life is funny sometimes.

It's funny in the ways that make you snort-giggle-laugh.

And it's funny in the ways that are lined with thick, crusty layers of irony.

And then sometimes,

well,

it's a different kind of funny.

Because if it's not this kind of funny

than it's a particular kind of sad.

And it's this kind of sad that I am

very strategically trying to avoid.

So, laughter is the medicine,

the magic hand.

And tonight,

well,

tonight,

I laugh on.

my dad.

2011-06-18T17:28:00.006-05:00

As I've gotten older, I've come to realize so much more

about the roots of who I am.

These roots are multiple, no doubt, and they are deep-

spread out like fingers,

looking to lock with the likes

of life and goodness and wisdom.

Some of my deepest roots are my father,

truly,

and for that,

I could not be more thankful.

He is genuinely kind

and unknowingly wise.

He taught me how to love well

and work hard,

and I owe my penchants for sunburns and football

almost entirely to him.

So, every time someone tells me that I remind them

so very much of my dad,

to them I say thank you oh-so-very much.

For never has another person

challenged me to be

as brave

and as loving

and as strong

as he has-

just by existing as he is.

He is, indeed, my roots.

And I love them with all of my heart.

gravity.

2011-06-03T10:56:00.003-05:00

There are distinct moments in every day where I feel as though I have a rowdy multitude of thoughts taking residence in my head. And I do, I suppose. But so many of these thoughts seemed to have broken loose from their proper home, bouncing and gliding around the caverns of my head, similar to an astronaut in a spaceship, experiencing the irony of a world without gravity for the first time.

So, I desperately try to reach up and grab each of these thoughts by their wily ends. I try to pull them down to a place where I can manage them- where I can tie them up or make them look pretty. I want to organize them by color, by depth, by feeling. I want to make them make sense- to package them in a way that feels more systematic and digestible.

I want to write them down. In a book, I guess. And share this book to only the people who know me and love me so that they can understand these large caverns, filled with stalagmites of worry and stalactites of terrible jokes. I want to peek inside these spaces and not get scared of the dark. I want to make sense of myself almost every day.

And the thing is, almost every day, I don’t.

But then, when I lay down at night, I can't help but think,

making sense is highly over-rated.

Oh.

And so is gravity.

my mom.

2011-05-08T10:50:00.005-05:00

For as long as I can remember,

everyone has told me that I'm the "spitting image" of my dad.

Our physical appearance, our behaviors, our humor-

the spawn of my father, they would say.

Yes, I see it, very clearly, these attributes passed down,

but, every day in a multitude of ways, I can't help but see my mom some where in there too.

And more than just see it, I feel it. I feel the woman that I've looked up to for my entire life,

just waiting to bust from my very own seams.

I feel her creativity and her kindness,

her compassion and her wisdom.

I long for her endurance and her contented spirit,

her warmth,

her strength,

her metabolism.

She has taught me to see this world in ways that are more colorful, more alive.

I've learned how to walk taller and fight harder because of her.

She is the fiercest

and gentlest

and most beautiful

woman I know.

And I can't wait to see more of her

come out of me.

p.s. There is a reason no picture is accompanying this post. You see, my mom hates pictures of herself (as a rule) and so, in honor of her, I will put no such thing near this blog. So, Happy Mother's Day mom:)

today.

2011-05-04T13:46:00.003-05:00

I'd like to share with you what I've accomplished thus far on my day off:

1. I've successfully wasted 1 1/2 hours on pinterest.com.

2. I've drank a cup of coffee.

3. I've thought about going for a run.

4. I've thought about cleaning my bathroom.

5. I've thought about cleaning my kitchen.

6. I've thought about working on some research.

7. I've swept half of my bedroom floor.

8. I've read a chapter of "Bossypants".

9. I've thought about going for a run a second time.

10. I've creatively separated my dirty laundry into unique and inspiring categories such as "fancy!" and "not-so-fancy!"

11. I've plucked my eyebrows.

12. I've thought a third time about going for a run.

13. I've rearranged my jewelry into another non-sensical messy pattern on my dresser.

14. I've checked my email 217 times.

15. And finally, I've successfully won a blinking contest with my dog.

What have you accomplished today?

call it what you will.

2011-04-26T18:17:00.005-05:00

So.

I may have shared this with a few people,

and I guess I'm going to share it with a few more people now.

But,

I'm kind of convinced that,

at some point in my life,

I'm going to have a son (specifically) with special needs.

Call it a premonition.

Call it a feeling.

Call it what you will,

but it's something that I've always kept in the back of my mind.

And so, of course, I've stored up tidbits of information about the topic,

wondering if, some day far away from now, I'll pull this information back out,

thanking my innate intuition and faith in something bigger than myself

for preparing me for the best of days

and the worst of days.

Keeping with this idea,

a wonderful older customer at work dropped off

a couple of used books for anyone who cared to read them.

One was called "Expecting Adam" by Martha Beck,

and through a sequence of events, it ended up in my hands.

I decided to take it home (mainly because it was endorsed

by Ms. Anne LaMott of life-changing fame) and I haven't regretted my decision.

It's about a woman who gets pregnant.

And gives birth to a son with Down's Syndrome.

So now, well, I can't stop reading it.

It's a wonderful story, really.

And its completely detoured me from

anything and everything else I should be doing.

Whatever.

I blame the premonition.

criss-cross.

2011-04-20T11:23:00.004-05:00

I have a secret.

Sometimes, when I'm really overwhelmed and scared about life,

I sit criss-cross apple sauce in front of my mirror.

I take a deep breath, lean in really close, and try to memorize

everything I can see in that moment.

I look at my small hands on my knees, and the squirrelly hairs that have fallen in my face.

I look at the shape of my eyebrows and the ruddy pink of my cheeks.

I notice the color of the shirt I'm wearing and the shape and size of my ears.

And I always look myself in the eye(s) for a long while,

trying to search for something graceful, for something bold.

And I remember that no matter

how big my life may seem,

I'm still me-

flaws and all.

And no one can speak that away.

the in-between stuff.

2011-04-08T17:06:00.004-05:00

It’s not being old that I’m so fearful of. Old people (old people) are wondrous in a way that I can’t clearly define. They are often frail and yet unequivocally sure of themselves. They have roots, deep ones, and they have scattered their seeds and have watched themselves grow in capacities that I know nothing of. They have had gardens and houses, lived lives marked with births and marriages, fading ink in pages, dancing in living rooms, snoring in beds. They have watched decades of change- dresses and clutches and pin-ups and wars and rations and the intranet and the internet and Tiger Woods and organic butter and too-tight jeans.

Lots of life has been lived when you are old.

No, it’s not being old that I’m so fearful of. But what I do lose sleep over is the in- between stuff. The time between young and old, when the wind seems stronger and the world a stern teacher, and the probability of waking up unsure of myself seems all the more likely with each decision I make and with each bill I pay (late). Fragility, when you are young, is pretty. But fragility in the days marked by real jobs and babies and marriage and divorce and degrees and loans and mortgages isn’t as ravishing. Lives don’t just appear fashionably and ostentatiously worn. Instead, they break. Into a million pieces. And the glue required to string them back together can be hard to find.

Yeah, it’s the in-between stuff that I think about so much, that I wander around and wonder about. Life is too good to let a million broken pieces define the lapse, the meat, the middle. And so, I'm on a hunt for the good glue. The really good glue.

Grace, yes. But also the laughter, hugs, words, moments-

the stuff that makes even the sharpest of pieces bearable, redeemable.

I want hope.

Because there is still lots of life to live when you are in-between.

good tears.

2011-04-06T15:07:00.003-05:00

Today,

well,

I've found myself buried in a house away

from sunshine and noise and any form of human life.

I've been researching and drinking coffee and cleaning and thinking.

And it's been all kinds of wonderful.

I've also found myself crying.

Too much.

Actually, I rescind that statement.

I've found myself crying just enough.

Sometimes it feels like the most amazing thing in the world

to just let tears collapse and crawl down your face,

with no need to stop them or pat them down.

If you'd like to cry a whole lot too,

I highly recommend these two bits of visual and audio entertainment.

I dare you to engage in the entirety of both this and this and not shed (good) tears.

windows down.

2011-04-04T10:05:00.005-05:00

I spend a significant amount of time driving.

A lot of days I think it may be my saving grace,

this time away and alone,

to think and do as I please.

And it's not as though I am bound by city traffic, or stoplights, or, you know, regulations.

Instead, I weave through East Texas at 70 miles per hour,

dodging trucks and tractors and trailers,

with my windows down (still no air-conditioning) and my music up.

Perhaps it reminds me that I'm still free,

that I'm still able,

and that I'm still,

well,

me.

p.s. At this point, I've logged lots of hours in the car. If you need any kind of music/podcast recommendation, I'm your gal. Email (courtneyhope@gmail.com) and I'll see if I can't help change your driving lives.

no cheeseburgers.

2011-03-28T09:55:00.006-05:00

This weekend,

there was a brief visit from two of my

roommate's dearest friends from North Carolina.

Long walks, 10K's (not by me, let it be known), head lamps, and grilling parties ensued.

Also, a one-ton cookie cake was forced upon us in ways that I'm still recovering from.

In short, it was a wonderful reprise from the typical Friday/Saturday combination that

generally involves (for me) netflix binges, paper-writing, and deep longings

for hamburgers with cheese. Or, you know, cheeseburgers.

p.s. I realize that I'm not actually in any of these pictures,

but that's because I am allergic to the camera.

Or at least I was this weekend.

p.p.s. Sorry to all the Tarheel fans in the world. I tried to care. I really, really did.

notes i didn't take. part two hundred and twenty-nine.

2011-03-15T19:54:00.008-05:00

Remember this kind of academic propriety in which I consistently engage?

Well last night, while sitting in on a presentation during class, I found myself participating in another full-on doodle-fest.

Apparently,

in another life,

I should have made a living drawing extravagant boxes.

That masquerade as buildings.

That spontaneously combust into flames.

That reach all the way to the moon.

Or all the way to the sun.

Or all the way to the too-skinny clouds that look like breadsticks.

p.s. I just want to remind everyone that I'm going on year number twenty of my education. If your doodling isn't quite up to speed, I recommend attending a graduate program that takes three to five years. This will allow you ample opportunity to practice the art of appearing interested in new information whilst really working on your next piece of doodling genius. Totally worth the fifty grand.

saturated.

2011-03-12T17:52:00.007-06:00

This weekend has consisted of old friends and back porches and hammocks and this book and the above beer and these guys* and long walks and an appreciation for spring in a state that flies its' flag higher and mightier than any other I know.

In other words, I can't complain.

* And look! They will be here this week! So close, but oh-so financially far away.

taking walks.

2011-03-01T17:41:00.003-06:00

Recently I've found that taking walks is a

rather ingenius way for me to be a much better person.

Oh. And did I mention that Marlo likes them too?

1. I just asked Marlo if she wanted to go for a walk. This is what happened.

2. Our street at the Golden Hour.

3.Sun Spots.

4. Unfortunate kite.

5. Dogwood is kind of my favorite.

6. Signs of Spring.

superwoman.

2011-02-16T14:46:00.004-06:00

This semester I am spending a few days a week working in the schools. Because I am working towards my LSSP license (Licensed Specialist in School Psychology), I am required to log hundreds of supervised hours, wherein I tote around funny looking accessories and test batteries, and pester teachers to let me meet with their students outside of the classroom. I've seen all kinds of hurt in these kids, but most of all, I've observed the power of uninterrupted attention. I am constantly reminding myself that I am not able to "fix" any of these student's struggles. I can't save them, and no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to. Not to say I can't help. But I'll never be their superwoman.

Because I commute over an hour each way, I have time (on most days) to sit and think. I think about what I communicate to these kids. I think about what they communicate to me. And then I think about the real reason I started all of this psychology business in the first place: I wanted to believe that if I listened hard enough, I could help someone. Especially a "small" someone.

But, while driving down Hwy 69 for the 157th time, I realized that somewhere in this process of listening to other people, I've lost some of my ability to listen to myself. I exert so much energy during the day taking in the rest of the world, that somewhere along the way, I became too lazy to give myself the same amount of uninterrupted attention.

I have several looming decisions to make in the next few months, and, truth be told, I'm not sure I trust myself to make them. I don't need someone to listen to me, necessarily. I don't need my therapist, or my friends, or my family to hint at what I should do. But, I think, I need to spend some time with myself and really listen. Well, let me rephrase that. I don't think this. I know this.

After all, I do have quite a bit of practice.

revisiting.

2011-01-26T14:13:00.003-06:00

I come back to things a lot.

What I mean is, when I like something, I want to revisit it over and over. I revisit music a lot. I revisit food a lot. I revisit passages of words, even though I may know them by heart. I revert to old methods of coping and old habits of creating and, in general, I find my sense of home in various clusters of sound and tastes and feelings.

I think we all do this in various ways.

I'm fairly certain it's called being alive.

However, some days, I cling to fairly quirky thoughts/words/chapstick consistencies/podcasts/artists/mugs/lyrics/eye-rolling patterns/quotes/songs/dance moves.

I think you get the idea.

And on these kinds of days, when big or hard or expensive bumps occur (like today! yay car repairs!), I'm thankful for the small things that make me feel alive.

I'm grateful for my ability to find my home in this song or these words.

In short, I've found that "revisiting" often gets me where I need to go-

away and freer than I was before.

i blame the meds.

2011-01-22T11:23:00.004-06:00

I've felt under the weather the past few days.

I'm not entirely sure where that phrase derives from,

but regardless,

the weather has been grey

and so have I.

However, as it generally happens,

humor has been my saving grace,

along with lots of hot tea and inordinate amounts of DayQuil.

Thursday morning I woke up entirely too late,

as the night before I had decided to bottoms up on Tylenol P.M. and call it a day.

I had no time to shower, no time to pack a congruent and well-put together lunch, and left the house feeling extremely slimy (slimy?) and extremely rushed.

I'll blame my meds,

because in the next two hours

I managed to leave my main manual with all of my students necessary info

and schedules at my house,

spill a cup of coffee down the front of my shirt,

and flash an entire hallway of junior high students.

So, you see, I'm just really buying into the notion that humor is the best medicine.

And today?

Well, my plans include sitting.

I've written it on a piece of paper.

I'll check it off when it is fully completed.

on repeat.

2011-01-14T12:23:00.004-06:00

This week has felt long.

But not necessarily in a bad kind of way.

Actually, maybe it's been the quite the opposite.

The days have stretched out,

and filled up to the very end

with interesting, hard work,

new music,

important conversations with friends,

and quiet.

Oh, I've soaked up the quiet,

you better believe.

My practicum has begun.

It entails a couple days a week to be spent in the schools,

working with students who need it the most. I like that-

helping the ones that need it the most.

And in between I'm still pushing coffee and causing trouble in my own head.

I'm pretty good at both.

Also, I'm listening to this and this and this over and over again. Long commutes leave lots of time for listening to things on repeat.

Happy weekend to all.

picture-less.

2011-01-10T11:39:00.002-06:00

Yeah. Yeah.

I know.

I haven't spent much time around these blog parts.

Too many people to talk to and too many things to get done,

I suppose.

However, the past month has been an interesting one,

filled with lots of rest and family and friends.

It's been just what I've needed, really, and I can't complain about that.

Pictures are non-existent due to two broken cameras.

Words are minimal, due to a dirty house surrounding me that must get cleaned.

But, I just wanted to drop in and wish everyone the happiest of January's.

It's snowing here in Texas, and so, of course, such an occasion calls for the strongest of coffee and the most beautiful of music.

More words to come.

I promise.

the remedy.

2010-12-13T12:12:00.003-06:00

We'll call these guys "friends of friends of relatives."

But, regardless, they make me... smile.

This morning has been a bit of a discouraging one,

and sometimes a great song is just the remedy.

silly football games.

2010-12-06T23:07:00.003-06:00

This weekend was a whirlwind of lots of red...

and driving and dad-time and yelling and hair-pulling and junk-food eating and more yelling and more junk-food eating.

And then there were babies.

And they helped remind me that there is more to this world than silly football games.

p.s. Remember our Massai friend Joseph?

Recently, he (and many others) were filmed by National Geographic for a special entitled "Lion Hunters". It airs tomorrow night on The National Geographic Channel. Go here if you are interested in learning more.

We are sooo excited to see his handsome face on our t.v.

stornoway.

2010-11-17T09:59:00.003-06:00

A good friend of mine introduced me to these guys, and I fell quickly and madly in love. I have such a soft spot for British folk music (or any folk music, for that matter)

and on days like today,

all I want to do is find a sunny patch of grass and sing along.

p.s. Watch this too. But only if you don't mind getting a bit dizzy.

drive.

2010-11-13T22:42:00.004-06:00

This last week I took a little drive to see this man. And this man. And these ladies.

Their music was beautiful.

A gift, really.

But the drive to the show was just as generous,

revealing the most delicious landscapes that I've never noticed,

even though I've driven that road a hundred times before.

And so,

I am learning

that sometimes

(or almost all of the time)

a long drive is the best gift I can give myself.

It makes the world the perfect size for me to hold on to,

and fold away for later.

i have a gift.

2010-10-27T12:14:00.003-05:00

It's been the strangest month,

this one.

Lots of birthdays and driving and studying and driving and studying and coffee and music and driving.

The roommate and I took a quick trip to Waco this past weekend for a little reunion of sorts.

There was lots of good music and old friends and new friends and porch swings and laughter.

I can't think of too many combinations I like better than that.

Also.

I've been doing a pretty bang-up job of procrastinating school related activities.

What can I say?

I have a gift.

And,

obviously,

I've been in complete denial regarding the upcoming Halloween festivities.

I kind of despise the holiday.

And I wish all of my friends shared this sentiment.

But, alas,

I've been invited to no less than three costume parties,

and this kid?

Yeah, well,

she hasn't even begun to think about a costume to wear.

I figure I still have three days.

(You see?

I really do have a gift.)

Happy Wednesday to you all.

blur.

2010-10-11T11:57:00.005-05:00

Two days ago, I celebrated another year of life.

And today I am twenty-eight years old,

(newly, of course)

and as I see those words scrawled out before me,

I can't help but feel baffled.

These days, these months, these years,

they all feel so confined to my head (obviously),

and as such, I can't help but notice that this whole "getting older" thing is really just a wonderful effort to put some kind of organization to this madness.

I need mile markers,

preferably with reflectors,

to help separate out the late, late nights and good books and hastily written papers and fits of laughter and months of tears and cups of coffee and big decisions and unfortunate pimples and delicious meals and not-so-delicious meals and short trips and dinner dates and messy rooms and really great songs and piles of dog hair and fights with loved ones and long kisses and loud thunderstorms and heavy heartbreak and bottles of beer and sleeping in the hammock and big worries and small victories and bad haircuts and beautiful dresses and new friends and old friends and hard conversations and angry prayers and lovely prayers and gut-wrenching prayers and moments of silence.

I desperately need these things to be remembered.

So, thank you,

to each of you,

who helped remind me of the importance of

reflecting upon the many moments that make up my years.

Sometimes I drive far too fast to find any beauty in the blur.

You are all loved more than you know.

difference.

2010-09-27T10:44:00.003-05:00

One of my professors responded to a brief assignment in which I was asked to give my opinion regarding some of our reading material. Because I am who I am, I found myself resorting to brutal honesty and wasted no time in describing with great detail in this assignment just how many insecurities I have when it comes to entering the field of professional counseling and treatment.

My professor's response was thoughtful and direct, and one statement he made has continued turning over and over in my brain.

"Plan to do something different and

discover what the difference is."

Planning to do something different takes courage, I think, and most days, I'm quite certain I'm all out. But, other days, well, I feel like I've been given just enough to take a deep breath and refuse to succumb to my old bad patterns and habits of thinking.

I feel inspired, encouraged, and naive enough to brazenly move forward.

I feel ready to discover what the difference is.

p.s. It's 62 degrees currently and I'm so pleased I could cry.

p.p.s Listen to this!

p.p.p.s. New Holgas on the way. Excited.

impromptu.

2010-09-18T13:40:00.004-05:00

I'm tired.

So, so tired.

But this exhaustion is only the remnants of good days and good people.

Beach trips.

Surprise engagements.

New friends.

Impromptu drives.

Sweet baby bellies.

MST3K (that one's for you, Henderson).

Dinner parties.

Hair make-overs.

All-ages shows (ugh.)

Blue Moons.

And gingersnaps to boot.

Also.

I had my first (real) client.

I was terrified.

But,

have no fear,

as I think I did a sufficient job of convincing

her that I knew what I was talking about.

And now,

football.

And treatment plans.

And paperwork.

And reading.

And then a sweet outdoor wedding to attend.

And did I mention

football?

And then sleep.

Sweet, sweet sleep.

less is more.

2010-09-03T15:22:00.004-05:00

Days like today make me A-Ok with slow and steady.

It's been raining on and off.

The house is quiet, save Sufjan.

The backdoor is open.

The French Press is pressing.

Cookies are baking.

Candles are burning.

And a box of the sweetest gifts in the world was just

delivered and ripped open by Marlo and I.

My family really, truly, and readily loves me well.

Also.

I'm back in class.

I'm reading more.

I'm working less.

And I'm slowly getting a bit nervous about the prospect

of taking actual clients this semester.

Who am I to tell naive undergrads how to better

filter out the junk in their lives?

It seems I'm still learning how to do it myself.

(Quite poorly, I might add.)

However,

slow and steady,

from what I hear,

wins the race.

And so,

this,

this,

is the pace...

And with a lot of this and even more

of this thrown into the mix,

internets,

you have no idea how much

I've been heeding this advice.

The happiest of Fridays to you all.

soon.

2010-08-25T13:08:00.006-05:00

I think autumn is lightly knocking today.

The weather is cooler than usual.

And less oppressive

and bright

and...

loud.

Classes begin today for all of my collegiate comrades.

I will not begin until Tuesday

and so,

for now,

it feels a little bit like I'm hovering against the wall of summer,

quietly observing the dancing and shenanigans that the rest of

the world seems to be participating in,

all the while savoring these last few peaceful days

before I'm forced to get out on the dance floor

and kick up my heels with them.

But,

for now,

I'm daydreaming of baking something delicious,

and taking a trip to Hobby Lobby to restock up on

white twinkly lights for the house.

I'm thinking about finishing my book,

and buying a new album,

and perusing for some perfect boots on ebay.

In short, I'm hoping to transition well, into this semester of life.

And I suppose chocolate and boots and white twinkle lights are the only certain ways in which I know how to do so.

p.s. A friend of mine sings this song a majority of the minutes of every day. In turn, I sing this song a majority of the minutes of every day. I love this kind of awful/wonderful recording of these guys collaborating. I think it's just too much fun to watch.

rearview.

2010-08-09T12:21:00.004-05:00

This is what happens when girls that have known each other

for far too long get together and drive around a small town.

Things like tampons hanging from rearview mirrors

suddenly induce belly laughs and graceless snorts.

(I'm quite certain I left my maturity somewhere between

that third glass of wine and fourth cup of coffee.)

This has been a week of friends on couches

and sweet hugs hello

and sloppy kisses goodbye.

Actually, there have been no sloppy kisses goodbye.

Only neat and tidy ones.

And speaking of goodbyes,

saying farewell to July was a bit sad and surprising for me.

It was sneaky, this beginning of the end of summer.

How? And when? And huh?

August, be good to me.

I need you to treat me well.

So, for now, I'm just listening to this and this to make the world make more sense.

Oh, and I'm also refusing to take off my pajamas.

Days off require it.

mini-cheese.

2010-07-27T12:15:00.004-05:00

Where has summer gone?

I'm in awe of the speed in which this one has flown by.

Each day I make lists in my head,

so many lists,

of the things I am wanting to do and see and experience

before I am tied up ever so meticulously within the duties of school.

And still

each day

I remember that my window of opportunity

to do said things is growing smaller and smaller.

Yesterday I watched the rain for a long time

and thought about my life here lately.

I've been making a concerted effort these past few weeks to do less of that-

the "thinking" stuff-

and to do more of the "doing" stuff-

and yet, yesterday, I couldn't escape the questions

that are so familiar to me that they feel like home.

(An ever-changing, who forgot to take out the trash?,

cozy and maddening and why in the hell is there dog hair everywhere? kind of home.)

And then,

after I had thought for a while,

I went back inside and got back to the "doing" side of things.

I did some homework.

I did some reading.

I did some conversing.

And I did some crazy lusting after a mini-cheese quesadilla from Bueno.

And then

(because I'm all about the pro-action)

I went and got myself a mini-cheese quesadilla from Bueno,

and consumed it with the splendor of a thousand golden suns.

And it was a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Check it off the list.

and then there was light.

2010-07-10T14:14:00.004-05:00

(fourth of July sparkler extravaganza)

My first sessions of classes are complete.

And I kind of feel like a new woman.

Thus,

the past week has been filled with celebratory nights and beautiful french films,

new friends and fourth of July shenanigans,

skinny skinny skinny dipping and too-long conversations (in the best kind of way).

And then there's been rain...

so.

much.

rain.

I've found myself in my car too much,

listening to too much bad radio,

and drinking too much coffee.

But now,

oh my goodness now,

I'm so excited to read,

and listen.

I can't wait to get back to yoga,

and be home to wallow with Marlo.

I'm ready for the occasional lazy afternoon by a pool,

and the feeling of too much sun on my skin.

So yes,

just in case you couldn't tell,

I'm so very excited.

days to be as centuries.

2010-06-16T13:43:00.004-05:00

(Holga- January 2010. Somewhere in the middle of nowhere)

"I wish that life should not be cheap, but sacred,

I wish the days to be as centuries, loaded, fragrant."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Life is busy now.

But I suppose it's that way for everyone.

Currently I am longing for lazy days by an ocean.

Any shoreline would do.

Although perhaps not one by the gulf.

(And with that statement, I am choosing to keep my opinions about the recent oil disaster to myself.)

So,

instead of beaches,

I've taken to bubble baths and beer,

dinner parties and ballet dancing.

I am wanting these days to be fragrant.

Sacred and good and free from my usual fanatical fantasies that involve me far away and different than I am.

These ideas, I know, are of no value to me.

I hope all of you are well,

those who stop by this place every so often.

And please,

if you live near the water,

dip in your toes and tell it hello for me-

A wonderful, raucous, Courtney-kind of hello.

house guests

2010-06-03T11:01:00.004-05:00

(David and Craig. The ABSOLUTE sweetest couple one ever did meet.)

The past two weeks have involved a lovely parade of house guests

that have had to fall privy to our lack of a guest bed and my large, clumsy puppy.

Old friends, and more old friends, and their musical comrades, and more old friends, and their new, wonderful friends- it has all been just delicious, really.

Couches have been made up and cots have been constructed,

and laughing- so much laughing- has ensued.

And so I am convinced,

that no matter what one's age,

there is nothing more giggle-inducing

than having dear friends spend the night.

(Especially one's with precious little Chihuahuas.)

friends.

2010-05-24T17:37:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure why they put up with me,

but they do.

And I'm very happy about that.

babies and bar brawls.

2010-05-18T11:19:00.003-05:00

(One of my adorable identical twin cousins. The sad part is, I'm not sure which one this is...)

Friday night.

An atypical night for Courtney that landed her in a small and VERY local Texas dance hall.

There was lots of two-stepping,

lots of Shinerbock,

and then,

in the blink of an eye,

the most ridiculous bar brawl you've ever seen.

Let's just say it involved the entirety of the place,

with bartenders shouting,

grown men (and lots of them) throwing punches,

and more than a few breaking beer bottles.

I'm not going to lie.

It was all kinds of awesome.

Sunday night.

I drove out to spend some time with family,

including two of the sweetest twin baby boys you've ever seen.

They giggled

and burped

and caused all kinds of chaos.

And then,

minutes before bath time,

the screaming began.

They both began hollering,

and crying,

and making just terrible sounds.

And as I watched their chubby little arms and legs flail about with newly unearthed energy,

I laughed to myself.

Because doesn't it seem,

that no matter what the age,

no matter what the size,

and no matter what kind of bottle is clenched in the hand,

boys will most definitely be boys?

Ridiculous,

lovely,

and rowdy boys.

And thank goodness for that.

worth (at most) a thousand words.

2010-05-04T12:13:00.003-05:00

I was looking through some photos late last night,

and I came across this-

a holga that I took last year

(on my birthday,

if I remember correctly.)

And, somehow, it seemed to fit my mood today-

misguided and incoherent and yet

haphazardly functional.

Thank you all for your sweet comments and emails.

They mean more than you can possibly know.

Hope everyone's week is graceful and lively and wonderful.

Extreme Home Make Over

2010-04-28T00:03:00.003-05:00

Just a quick reminder that our

wonderful friends

and their beautiful new home

will be airing this Sunday, May 2nd

on ABC.

It promises to be extreme.

Happy Tuesday.

little black book.

2010-04-24T10:13:00.005-05:00

I don't know if you've noticed

(you being the very few readers that peruse this site consistently)

but recently I've been feeling kind of silly about this whole blogging thing.

(And, I've noted from several other bloggers out there, that I'm not the only one.)

I've found myself loathing this little space more and more,

not because of you and your wonderful selves,

but because of me,

and my terrible insecurities.

I started this little blog for my beautiful mom,

so that she could read about the little quirks of my every day.

I wanted to share my life.

I wanted to make her laugh.

I wanted to make you laugh.

And then, well, it got a little hairy.

Difficult things (life things) transpired

and I started to feel quite sad...

and yet,

I wasn't sure how much of that to share with you all.

Some told me I was desperately depressing to read,

and others told me I wasn't being true to who I was.

I slowly stopped filling pages in my journals,

because it felt like too much work,

and instead,

started feeling the pressure to put words into this blank space,

inevitably with the hope that someone would validate me,

that someone would love me.

That feels utterly ridiculous to admit.

How did I allow a blog to become another form of pass/fail validation in my life?

It's amazing the things we are capable of when we put our minds to it.

Of course,

I can't help but notice that blogging,

in its simplest form,

is quite the self-indulgent endeavor.

Why else do we put our thoughts here,

in this public arena,

instead of tucking them away in our small black books

that remain private and untouched by others?

So,

return to my own blank pages I will.

I've missed them.

And,

if you're lucky,

what's left over in my brain may find its way over here to this little blog.

Because,

you see,

I like you all,

and I like sharing bits and pieces with each of you.

I just don't like the things that I've traded in to do so.

pomplamoose.

2010-04-21T10:08:00.007-05:00

Apparently these guys have been around for a bit,

but I saw them yesterday linked to a funny article on NPR.

The article itself had to do with the

definition of the hipster,

and while I immediately forwarded it on to my

self-proclaimed

anti-hipster hippie sister Caroline,

I couldn't not watch this fantastic video at the end.

(I take stock in the fact that clearly I am not cool enough to have

discovered these guys without

the aid of NPR.

And that's at least two soy lattes shy of hipster.)

p.s. For the record, their cover of La Vie en Rose makes me ridiculously happy.

patty. and other things.

2010-04-17T14:49:00.005-05:00

It's Saturday

and I couldn't be more thrilled.

This past week tore me up a bit,

in completely trivial and absurd ways really.

But,

nonetheless,

I'm ridiculously giddy to be sitting in an empty house with nothing to accomplish.

It was, however, a week of complete juxtaposition.

Funny, wonderful events colliding with stress-inducing, ridiculous ones.

In a nutshell:

Lots of spilled coffee.

One traffic ticket.

Wonderful candy bar surprises from the roommate.

One parking ticket.

Epic test.

Three brutally late nights.

One tediously long paper.

An icelandic volcano eruption.

The discovery that one of my jobs is most likely dissolving.

An awesomely long conversation with my sister.

Glee.

Did I mention Glee?

Marlo-wrangling.

Pen-pal letters.

Too-tight skinny jeans.

Lots of this guy.

A busted water-line.

A flooded house.

And Patty.

Of course,

Patty.

She and Buddy were brilliant.

Completely beautiful and wonderful and charming.

Of course,

I don't really remember much of the encore

because, apparently, I blacked out.

No, seriously.

Me and my ridiculous self passed clean out in the back of the venue and came to only to discover a group of strange faces staring down at me.

And no, I wasn't drunk.

Just unbelievably stupid.

(Apparently a Watchamacalit candy bar as your only meal of the day + five hours of standing in a crowded venue does not equal adequate "standing conditions" for Courtney. Lesson learned.)

Lord,

I hope Patty didn't notice.

But,

you know,

beyond these silly details,

it was a pretty tame week.

p.s. One of my favorite parts of the show was her confession that this song,

one of her most famous love songs,

was written about her one true love-

her dog.

Heavenly Day - Patty Griffin

Perfect.

all shall be well.

2010-04-09T22:53:00.004-05:00

I'm buried beneath index cards and pages and psychopharmacological terms that make me want to gouge out both my eyes.

(Seriously, try saying alpha-amino-3-hydroxy-5-methyl-4-isoxazolepropionic acid three times quickly.)

But in the mean time I'm daydreaming about bike rides

and flash mobs

and

soon-to-be read novels.

I'm reminding myself of the astoundingly good things that await,

despite my ridiculousness,

and seemingly,

despite myself.

All shall be well.

Don't you think?

p.s. Congrats to Meghan! You've won yourself a pretty little french press. Email me your contact information and I will forward it on :)

bullet points.

2010-04-08T11:14:00.003-05:00

- I just saw a bumper sticker that read "This is America... SPEAK ENGLISH!"

Sometimes people's opinions just make me very, very sad.

- I've got a large Psychopharmacology exam headed my way,

and I'm fighting it. I really, really am.

The past few weeks have been a complete uphill climb in regards to school.

I've found myself asking "Why?" one too many times.

"Why am I doing this again?"

I don't like these kinds of thoughts bouncing around in my head.

- And in regards to this,

I've been reading a lot of Rilke lately,

hoping to engage in some capacity-

to remember that my arrogance is just that,

ridiculous arrogance,

and that there is such beauty in our "ripening."

"Through the empty branches the sky remains.

It is what you have.

Be earth now, and evensong.

Be the ground lying under the sky.

Be modest now, like a thing

ripened until it is real,

so that he who began it all

can feel you when he reaches for you."

- Still loving the red bike. Still loving Marlo. Still loving the sunshine. Still learning to love myself.

guest post.

2010-04-06T06:33:00.002-05:00

Ahem.

As you know, I've got one of the loveliest roommates imaginable.

She's one of my best friends,

as well as a fellow blogger.

When she asked to write a little something for this here plot of blogland,

I couldn't help but answer,

umm,

"Is the pope Catholic?"

So,

without further ado...

The way I see it, people love little stories that somehow seem to make their day a bit better. At least, I do. Stories are the glue for us. They’re what makes up our dinners, car rides, phone calls, and walks around the block.

I’m finding more and more that I love stories. I was reading in Ms. Anne Lamott’s book Bird by Bird this morning and she talked about this. If only I could pull off the whole California cool-girl vibe and rock dreads in my hair. If only…

So, I have a story. A story about our neighbors. You see, for whatever reason, Courtney and I live next to a little brick-house that can’t seem to keep tenants for more than four months. No lie. They move in, four months pass, and then there’s the day where I pull into the driveway, look to my left, and yep…FOR RENT…again.

Right now there’s a family living next door with a couple of sons and a yapping dog in the backyard. Let’s be honest, Marlo is the most sporadic barker around, but this dog next door... COME ON. I truly feel bad for the little guy because most of his days are spent connected to a leash while the kiddos play “monkey in the middle” in the street.

On this particular morning, I decided to eat breakfast outside because the day was too beautiful to start it off indoors. So I grabbed my book, some strawberries, an English muffin (complete with peanut butter and honey) and sat outside.

I was only into the introduction when I was distracted by a seemingly neutral interaction going on in the neighbor’s backyard. One of the little boys was trying to pet their dog. This pup was not having it. And the little boy was growing frustrated with each perfectly calculated step.

I wish I could say that Courtney and I are the friendliest neighbors on the block. We do our best to give the Texas wave and smile at the purple low-rider trucks that pass by, but we mostly keep to ourselves.

That being said, I hadn’t really talked to this little boy yet. I mustered up the courage to say hello. Usually it is pretty easy for me to chat it up with most anyone. This boy was NOT buying into my charm. My hello was countered with a forced, “Hi.” This response completely threw me off and I didn’t know quite how to recover. I noticed the little dog again and thought – “YES! I will ask him what his dog’s name is. Then I’ll be accepted.”

The rest of the conversation went a little like this:

Me - “So, what’s your dogs name?”

Boy - “Dirty.”

Check. Mate.

Love her.

Thanks Lynds.

You're a peach.

(p.s. Seriously people. Don't forget to check out the giveaway. Only a couple of more days.)

easter parade.

2010-04-05T09:24:00.006-05:00

What a weekend it has been,

full of lovely friends and quirky excursions and take-your-breath-away surprises.

The roommate surprised me yesterday with the shiniest red bike you've ever seen.

She told me that one of my "somedays was today."

I think she's one of the best.

So then, of course, we gathered a couple of friends together and took an Easter ride.

We paraded around the neighborhood and discovered some of the most beautiful little places,

including a tiny little coffee shop, a new local consignment store, and the most enchanting backyard. It all fit together to create the kind of deep breath that I was needing-

so serendipitous and simple and good.

Yes.

It was a very good day.

2010-04-03T19:14:00.000-05:00

"He takes men out of time and makes them feel eternity."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Happy Easter to all.

May it be filled with wonder and celebration.

swish it up.

2010-04-01T22:46:00.002-05:00

I love this show.

Soon.

Very, very soon.

p.s. Don't forget about the giveaway!

Just think.

Coffee + Will Schuester.

Does it get much better than that?

tomorrow.

2010-04-01T11:46:00.003-05:00

So many moments as of late,

I find myself thinking about the somedays.

Someday, I'll drive a nice car, with air conditioning that functions and windows that don't get stuck.

Someday, I'll travel again, and I'll see beautiful new things and meet wonderful new people.

Someday, I'll own a bright red bike, a fancy-pants camera, and I'll have bookshelves from floor to ceiling.

(And of course, I'll have all the time in the world to ride my bike, use my camera, and read the books that fill my shelves, floor to ceiling.)

Someday, I'll feel those butterflies in my stomach again. You know, the ones that come with falling in love.

Someday, I'll live near the ocean. And I'll take long walks beside it, and spend countless hours floating upon it.

Someday, I'll learn to love my weird nose and white thighs, and embrace the fact that I'm never going to be a leggy brunette.

And someday, I'm going to wake up, and know what it feels like to love my life.

I desperately want to know this feeling.

Not today.

But maybe,

just maybe,

my someday will be

tomorrow.

2010-03-30T13:37:00.005-05:00

Today,

I'm thankful for:

strawberries,

two legs to take walks with,

75 degrees,

and chocolate kisses.

p.s. i'm also beyond excited to have won this!

procrastination. and a giveaway!

2010-03-29T12:00:00.001-05:00

So.

It's no secret that I'm a bit of a procrastinator.

It took me years to commit to a cell phone.

It took me decades to commit to a career path.

I think it's taken me even longer to commit to this blog.

So, you know, the fact that I've been a bit slow about hopping aboard the online shopping train should come as no surprise.

But hop on I have,

because it turns out

(wait for it...)

that you can actually find ANYTHING you could ever want online.

I mean, seriously.

You want helium balloons? You got it.

You want twenty-two year old bottles of brandy? Easy.

You want matching, cushy counter stools for your new home?

Done.

It's a whole new world.

And I'm kind of digging it.

Plus, it makes for fantastic procrastination.

(Need evidence? I've spent the past 47 minutes perusing this store and this store, instead of doing any resemblance of homework.)

So, to celebrate this new found love of online shopping,

as well as my avid procrastination,

I feel that a giveaway is in order.

You, my wonderfully kind readers, are ever deserving of a little something to brighten your day,

and the generous folks at cookware.com have offered to provide just that.

So,

in honor of my love of all things red

and all things coffee,

you have a chance to win this:

(click here for details)

A stinkin' awesome
Bodum french press that would be absolutely perfect sitting on any kitchen counter. I adore it. And in fact, I'm insanely jealous of whoever wins this.

Red + french press?

I think my world was just rocked.

So,

to enter:

Check out any of the amazing CSN stores and leave a comment letting me know some of your favorites. Remember to leave an email address if necessary so that you can be notified if you win.

For extra entries (and please let me know via separate comment/s),

you can let me know how you follow this here blog (google, blog lovin', etc),

and/or you can retweet or re-blog about this giveaway madness and link it back.

A winner will be selected Friday, April 9th.

Good luck!

(And now, well, I'm off to have a cup of coffee...)

the last 24 hours have included...

2010-03-27T10:11:00.009-05:00

-Pad Thai and beer with friends.

(Also, I managed to call my Blue Moon a New Moon no less than three times.

Apparently tween vampire fiction was on the brain.)

- A sick puppy who managed to cover at least 65 % of our small house with vomit.

Yep. Vomit.

- An episode wherein I managed to fling a large glass of water across my room,

followed by a string of profanities that would make my mother blush.

- More vomit.

- Three hours of sleep.

-"Fun Run" this morning with lots of pretty flowers and cobblestones and churches and gardens. You know, the kinds of things that always look best when saturated in morning sunlight.

- And now,

coffee.

Lots and lots of coffee.

Happy weekend to all.

p.s. I've got a pretty stellar giveaway coming up,

so stay tuned.

2010-03-25T12:15:00.005-05:00

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."

- George Eliot

celebration of sorts.

2010-03-23T14:58:00.006-05:00

This afternoon,

I said to myself,

this is a day to be celebrated.

And so,

I made a salad,

grabbed a book,

and headed to the backyard.

Marlo played

and I indulged in some sky gazing and day dreaming.

Long live Spring.

for the silent.

2010-03-23T06:15:00.003-05:00

Just wanted to drop a quick plug for a local organization that I am beyond excited about.

For The Silent is a phenomenal non-profit that is working to end the sex trafficking of children, both abroad and right here in the United States. It's comprised of some amazing individuals who are passionate about this cause and are doing their best to rally against a crime that is truly gut-wrenching. The stats are staggering, and even more sobering is the fact that locally (right here in Texas) there are an estimated 75,000 minors who are currently being trafficked and sexually exploited.

At a meeting this past weekend they described their newest project-

the development of what is called a "safe home,"

a secure and loving refuge that will provide aftercare and support to minors who have been removed from trafficking and prostitution. There are currently only five safe homes serving these children in the U.S., and For The Silent is striving to open the doors to one more by this time next year. Certainly this is a huge undertaking, but I am so proud to be a part of a community that is willing to support such a venture.

So, please, if you have a moment, give their website a quick look.

If you feel compelled,

please donate to their cause.

If you believe in prayer,

add them to your list.

And if you know of someone who might be interested in this information,

pass it on.

For more information on how to get involved,

email me at courtneyhope@gmail.com

or contact For The Silent at

info@forthesilent.org

2010-03-22T09:51:00.002-05:00

Yesterday,

it snowed.

Today,

there's a high of 75 degrees.

I am going to need some kind of consistency soon.

sun show.

2010-03-20T10:24:00.004-05:00

Last night,

on my way to see some dear friends,

I took a little drive.

I rolled down the windows,

turned off my music,

and tried my best to embrace the air.

The sun was in complete agreement with me,

as it seemed to put on quite a show.

And when I finally reached my destination,

some of my favorite people had prepared some of my favorite food,

and we all sat down to enjoy it together.

Truly, truly, this is the stuff that life is made of.

leprechaun.

2010-03-17T10:21:00.002-05:00

St. Patricks Day.

A perfectly good reason to watch this video,

yet again.

"Who all seen the leprechaun, say yeah!"

parent trap

2010-03-15T14:21:00.001-05:00

Also:

Yesterday,

while driving home,

I found myself ridiculously moved by this podcast.

Give it a listen next time you're cleaning,

or driving,

or cooking,

or running,

and then come back and tell me you didn't fall in love with Lucy.

i made a clean getaway.

2010-03-15T09:48:00.007-05:00

I took a quick little get away this weekend.

There was much fun to be had,

and with the exception of a minor episode

in which I found myself scraping dog feces from the patio,

it was just right.

How was your weekend?

the times...

2010-03-11T12:23:00.000-06:00

... they are a changin'.

They just grow up so darn fast.

My weekend begins today.

If you would like to live vicariously through me

(or through my dog because, let's just be honest, she's got quite the gig)

then I will allow it.

Just this once.

Happy Thursday everyone.

photos past

2010-03-10T13:04:00.004-06:00

I just spent a good hour scanning and uploading about a hundred pictures from trips past.

They are all sitting nice and pretty in my flickr account,

and you are welcome to a peek if you are so inclined.

(Link is located in right sidebar.)

I found myself looking at the above photo for a few moments,

trying to get myself back to that place and time,

wondering what I was feeling at the moment this image was captured...

wondering if I felt anything like I do today.

Perhaps some day I will return back to this very spot,

to this somewhere in Napoli,

and take closer notes on what it feels like to be so free and alive.

bag boy.

2010-03-09T10:13:00.004-06:00

Last night,

while at the grocery store

(embarrassingly, for the first time in weeks)

I meandered for a bit

and then got in line to check out.

As I got everything in order to pay,

I noticed the adorable "bag boy" assigned to my cashier's line.

(That term always sounds so demeaning, but I'm not sure what else to call them- "receptacle boy?", "one who carries your groceries to your car?", "17 year old kid who asks you if you prefer paper or plastic?")

He was probably still in high school,

with big brown eyes and scrawny little arms,

and I watched him intently line up my groceries as he prepared to place them in my paper bags.

(That's right. I choose paper. I weep for the trees.)

Anyhow,

as he began loading up my purchases,

he said to me,

"Ma'am, I bet you are quite excited for our new all organic grocery store to open soon."

I looked at him, blinking for a second before realizing he had assessed a few of the organic products I had chosen and concluded that I would indeed be excited by such an event.

"That IS exciting," I said to him. "I'll definitely be doing some shopping there when it opens."

I laughed to myself and continued with my business.

And then, looking down at my bank card,

he asked,

"Are you satisfied with your choice of personal bank? Because our in-store bank is really a time saver."

I looked at him for a moment and smiled.

"Um, I am. But... thank you anyway."

Whew. He was quick.

I watched him gather up my bags and head towards the door.

And, of course, as we made our way out to my car in the pouring rain, he nonchalantly looked me up and down and,

I promise you,

said to me,

"You seem like an educated woman- a woman that knows her mind. Do you mind if I ask you what you studied during your undergraduate education?"

I paused, realizing he had noticed my university stickers on the back of my car.

Man, this kid was king of the context clues.

"Well, I majored in international studies," I told him. "But now I'm back in school studying psychology."

He stood there for a moment,

the rain drops gathering on his nose

and his skinny hands clutching the cart.

"Wow. That sounds like absolutely fascinating work. That's probably why you like to buy all of those organic things, huh? I hear it helps the brain AND it helps populations overseas. Good work, ma'am. Good work."

And then he pulled a 180 with his cart and galloped back into the store.

Best bag boy ever.

almost like christmas.

2010-03-07T20:15:00.003-06:00

It was a big day around here.

The fridge was delivered and promptly accessorized.

The irony is, of course,

that still,

the only item in the actual fridge is a plastic cup of milk from Starbucks.

Old habits die hard.

sunny saturdays.

2010-03-05T13:02:00.006-06:00

I think that sunny Saturdays are just about one of the best things in the world.

Around here, the trees and flowers are beginning to bloom and, slowly but surely,

color is making it's way down the street and throughout the neighborhood.

It's just asking for a good walk.

Also, my dog is unbelievably goofy looking.

It's okay.

I can admit it.

And while I'm admitting things,

I'd like to say that I've got the world's most beautiful baby sister.

Last night, after a long day, I came home and discovered a package from Anthropologie waiting for me.

I know.

GOOD surprise.

Of course, I tore it open mercilessly and

found the most perfect blue mercury glass votive.

My wonderful sister had sent it to me just because.

Love it.

Love her.

I mean, seriously. Could she be any more adorable?

Here's to a wonderful sunny Saturday all the way around.

the day the camera died.

2010-03-04T17:49:00.004-06:00

As you may recall,

we got a bit of good news last week.

And while our friends were in Hawaii,

thousands of wonderful souls volunteered time and money to

throw together a little something something for them upon their return.

Well.

Today they returned.

And I knew I had to somehow be a part of it.

So, after a bit of shameless flirting, covert ops and some good old fashioned bribery,

I passed through security.

(Apparently the crazies come out for this stuff because that set was locked down like Ft. Knox. Except without all of the actual locks.

And with more removable barricades.

And crying children. And people with hard hats.)

Anyhow,

I finally made my way through the throngs of people towards some faces I recognized.

I was prepared to shout "MOVE THAT BUS!" in a way that would make Ty Pennington proud.

I was ready to capture all of the epic, raw emotion that I just knew I would see on my friend's faces when they saw their new home.

I was moments away from all of this...

and then my camera's battery died.

So, here's what you get to see instead:

Countdown. Which, for the record, is NOT accurate.

This is part of the new house. Squint and you can almost imagine what it would look like.

That guy. Pretty stinkin' adorable, actually.

Me with cute, grumpy kids.

Baby!

Kindest couple in the entire world.

And madness. Sheer madness.

And then, of course, they moved the bus. I yelled. People cried. Children stepped on my feet.

And a few of those kind- of famous people that you sometimes see on t.v. appeared out of nowhere and I quietly judged Ty Pennington's choice of ensemble.

Yes. I admit it.

And, of course, our friends' lives were turned upside down.

The house was beautiful.

Their new car was perfect.

The money that was donated was unbelievable.

And all of it was just amazing.

Really, really amazing.

Air date to be announced soon.

deep breath.

2010-03-02T09:13:00.005-06:00

I have this thing lately,

where I like to get up early.

(And when I say early, really what I mean is 8:00,

because when you stay up until 2 or 3 am

anything before 10:00 is pretty tedious.)

This is the point in the post where I remind everyone that I am a grad student, miles away from a "real" job, a coffee addict, and single. So, you know, sleeping until 10:00, if need be, is one of the perks.

So, with this recent increase in "early" rises,

I've discovered how much I love the routine that comes with the morning.

I love the whistle of my pink tea pot and the sound the hot water makes when leaving the pot's thin metal walls.

I love the way my backyard looks through my kitchen window,

green and uncertain, as if it is teetering dramatically on the edge of Spring.

I love Marlo's reluctance to leave my bed,

and my reluctance to do the same.

I love sitting alone in a quiet house,

wondering if the day that lies ahead will be one worth writing about at its end.

It's a bit like that very long, deep breath that one takes before embarking upon something a bit overwhelming.

And right now,

I'll take as many of those deep breaths as I can get.

Yes. I like mornings.

Very, very much.

the cool kids.

2010-03-01T14:00:00.003-06:00

Just wanted to show you all something dear to my heart.

This is my current refrigerating system.

You see, every morning I saunter into Starbucks,

casually make my way behind the counter,

and take a lone cup of milk hostage.

I ice it down, tuck it under my arm,

and stroll out the door as if stealing milk is what all the cool kids are doing these days.

Because, let's be honest,

isn't it?

I guess like to think of myself as a real problem solver.

It's been two weeks and counting since our fridge passed away.

And really, it's amazing what you can live without when you put your mind to it.

horse feathers and saturday plans.

2010-02-27T10:48:00.005-06:00

Isn't this song mesmerizing?

So, so beautiful.

I love Horse Feathers and

I think you should too.

On the agenda for today:

A walk with Marlo and the Holga.

The sun is out and I couldn't be more thrilled.

Also,

the beginnings of a project that I've had my eye on for a few weeks now.

I'll let you know how it turns out.

All you need to know is that it involves spray paint.

Tonight will most likely include some kind of take out meal

(the fridge is still out of commission)

and my couch.

Maybe a movie?

But maybe not.

Also, I've got a pen pal letter to write.

(That's right. I've got a pen pal.)

Pretty excited about that one as well.

I also have an essay to piece together,

a house to clean,

and pants to put on.

So, so thankful for this time off.

joy.

2010-02-25T11:07:00.006-06:00

My heart feels lighter

after hearing the news that our dear friends have been chosen by ABC to have an Extreme Home Make Over. Their door was knocked on this morning and news traveled fast. We've all been pushing for it for quite some time (but unable to talk about it much, due to confidentiality issues), and we couldn't be more thrilled.

He is my old boss,

as well as a cancer survivor

and a transplant recipient,

and she is one of the kindest and strongest women I've met.

Together they have adopted four beautiful children from Kazakhstan,

two of which have special needs,

and all of which are never without a smile.

The whole lot of them are truly one of the most inspiring families I've ever had the privilege of knowing,

and now they are on their way to Hawaii!

I just love when wonderful things happen to wonderful people.

2010-02-23T11:17:00.004-06:00

I've lived in Texas for going on ten years now,

(TEN! ugh. When I say things like that I feel so old, so let's just say I've lived around here for a while now...) and so I'm not completely sure how I still manage to go into utter shock at the bi-polar tendencies of our weather.

Two days ago it was 75 degrees.

Flowers were blooming.

Birds were singing.

Children were running around the neighborhood like it was the first day of summer vacation.

And

today?

Well, how do I put this delicately?

It's frickin snowing.

break room.

2010-02-22T13:28:00.003-06:00

The other day in the break room,

my boss accidentally said the most profound thing.

After joking a bit about the serious lack of testosterone on our staff,

she looked at me and said:

"Courtney, we need to find you a man. You know, one of them guys that you can get all dressed up for and go have some drinks with."

(She herself prefers those of the female persuasion, but she still tries her hardest to keep her eyes open for those of us who don't.)

I laughed and told her thanks but no thanks.

"Eh." I said. "I'm thinking I may not be cut out for the relationship kind of thing right now. But I appreciate the thought." I looked down, hoping that the conversation would end and that I wouldn't have to expound with any more thoughts on the matter.

And then, with her hand on her khaki-clad hip,

she looked right at me and said:

"You know what I think? I think you are bound and determined to be one of them widows for the rest of your life."

I looked at her, slightly confused.

"Widow?" I asked. "But that would require me having lost a husband. Last I checked, I've never been married and I certainly haven't had a man die on me."

"Yeah, yeah." She said. "I know widow ain't the right word, but you lost that boy of yours and that's as good as death right there. I think you think that that's as close as you're gonna get. You just wanna wear black for the rest of your life." She paused as she leaned in towards me.

"And the way I see it, he must not of liked you that much, 'cuz he sure as hell ain't here now, is he?"

I stood there for a second,

uncertain if I felt like laughing or crying.

And then I realized she had a point.

A very good point.

2010-02-20T11:29:00.002-06:00

About.

To.

Freak.

The.

Freak.

Out.

(That one's for you R.R.)

I'm on the edge of utter breakdown,

and I fully disclose that here.

If you find me not breathing,

no toxicology report will be necessary.

You can pretty much bet your pretty little face that

my keeling over was due to an influx of information,

an efflux of time, and a serious lack of emotional reserves.

Oh. And also it may have something to do with too much peanut butter.

Because since the disintegration of the fridge, I'm fairly certain that it has been involved in every meal.

But, you know, besides that,

I'm cool.

p.s. saving grace for this morning have been these guys.

minor crush.

2010-02-19T10:57:00.004-06:00

This is how I feel about caffeine right now. I basically want to have its babies.

Happy Friday to all.

it's the small things...

2010-02-18T11:31:00.004-06:00

I've finally procured some 1/2 and 1/2, lest you be concerned. It was pretty much on the top of my to-do list this morning, right above study for two massive exams, write essay, call refrigeration guy, take shower, meet with client, yell at dog, and... oh yeah, stuff face with inordinate amounts of Valentine's Day candy that your sweet mother sent you because she knew no one else would.

So, you know, three out of eight ain't bad.

2010-02-17T10:34:00.003-06:00

It's that time of the semester for me,

when everything piles up

and I go a little mad.

Top that off with the fact that our refrigerator is out of commission

and ALL I WANT IN THE ENTIRE WORLD IS A CUP OF COFFEE WITH SOME 1/2 AND 1/2 (AHHHH!!!!)

and, well, I'm sure you get the picture.

Happy Wednesday.

(Enjoy your 1/2 and 1/2.)

bumper sticker.

2010-02-16T11:36:00.003-06:00

Apparently the south has been under lock and key and I had NO idea.

Good thing I've got eloquent bumper dialogue to help keep me informed.

notes i didn't take.

2010-02-15T13:26:00.002-06:00

So.

Earlier today I went searching for a few notes I thought I had jotted down in one of my classes. I remembered exactly what my professor had been lecturing on (psych. report writing) and I remembered precisely what he was wearing while he was lecturing (a light pink button-up with black pants).

After flipping through my notes several times,

I was a bit perplexed,

because, seriously, I could have sworn...

Oh.

Wait.

Now I remember.

I drew a picture instead.

No notes.

Just doodles.

What a great psychologist I'm going to make.

until death by blackberries do us part.

2010-02-13T23:54:00.002-06:00

Valentine's Day currently alludes me.

I think it's the pressure that it involves

to be in love,

and if not in love,

then to be infatuated,

and if not infatuated,

then to be involved,

or in the process,

or somehow on the way

to not being alone.

But, you see, at this point in my life, alone is exactly what I am.

Not the bad kind of alone,

because I am surrounded by some of the kindest and most generous people the world can conjure up.

But, instead, I'm the unattached kind of alone-

as unattached as I've been in a very long time.

I'm generally not bitter about this. And, for the most part, I look at it as an opportunity-

to be a better part of one,

instead of an equal part of two.

But there are moments,

days even,

when I very much hope that some day I can love another man well.

And while I used to fear that I had lost my hope for this kind of thing,

I'm not so sure anymore.

So this Valentine's Day,

as many of you do all of the goofy and silly things that people like you do on this particular day,

I will do the things that people like me do every other ordinary day.

I will go to work,

and do some laundry,

and fix myself some dinner,

and do my best to enjoy being the unattached kind of alone.

Because even if no one decides to choose me to spend their days with ever again,

I refuse to not choose myself.

After all, I really am a cheap date.

birds on a wire.

2010-02-13T07:00:00.005-06:00

(snow walk, February 12, 2010)

So, like children, we begin again

to learn from the things,

because they are in God's heart;

they have never left him.

This is what the things can teach us:

to fall,

patiently to trust our heaviness.

Even a bird has to do that

before he can fly.

Rainer Maria Rilke

Also. A very happy birthday to one of my dearest friends and current roomie.

Love you to the moon and back.

snow day.

2010-02-12T11:07:00.004-06:00

Needless to say, more snow graced us with its presence.

Also, it appears that some new characters have moved into the neighborhood.

(Since I'm still looking for a date for Valentine's Day, I thought about going after the one in the cowboy hat. Although it appears that he is short one eye and without any kind of mouth. And let's be honest here. I like to eat way too much to waste my time on a mouthless cowboy. I don't care how good he is with a lasso.)

Snow Day 2010.

Mark it down as a day that will live in infamy.

snow! kind of...

2010-02-11T14:13:00.004-06:00

Remember how I said that spring appears to be just around the corner?

Well, it seems that there might be a small delay of game.

You see that white stuff?

That's called snow.

And the whole town is in a bit a fuss about it all.

I, on the other hand, am without any complaints.

You want to know why?

Because I just received news that my classes for tonight are cancelled.

Yep.

Apparently a quarter inch on non-accumulating snow merits an entire university shutting down.

God Bless Texas.

because private dog parts are funny.

2010-02-10T13:25:00.005-06:00

I just found this photo of my sister and me + Marlo, taken over Christmas break, and it made me laugh out loud.

(Yes, we like to corral poor innocent animals and laugh and point to their nether regions.)

p.s. I just added a new "All About Me" page to the top left- hand side of this here blog. I had received a few emails asking for details on my insanely mundane life, and I felt inclined to oblige.

p.p.s. I just had the thought- I wonder what kind of sick-o google searches are going to land people on this post?

p.p.p.s. No animals were harmed in the taking of the above photo.

p.p.p.p.s. Please read this post - one of my all-time favorite stories, retold by one of the greatest and zaniest friends I've ever known. Seriously. Go.

i spy.

2010-02-09T14:24:00.004-06:00

I spy Spring.

And I couldn't be more excited.

And, well, Marlo apparently spies me.

And she is not amused.

2010-02-08T10:34:00.003-06:00

Call me a sap,

but I think this was my favorite commercial from last night's Super Bowl.

Take this and combine it with my mini-crush on Saint's quarterback Drew Brees (made all the more evident by his post-game tears and juggling of world's cutest baby boy) and I think it's a safe bet that my evening was well, well spent.

home is where one starts from.

2010-02-07T22:35:00.003-06:00

(January 2010- near the Nebraska-Kansas state line)

I'm having one of those moments where I miss this place-

the snow-laden midwest,

flat and simple and filled with a family that I love very much.

(post title taken from T.S. Eliot's East Coker)

eyes wide open.

2010-02-06T16:07:00.005-06:00

Today is my first day off in a couple of weeks,

and I couldn't be more thrilled.

I attempted to study,

and when that didn't pan out too well,

I found myself wandering around Barnes and Noble

just for the sake of wandering around.

One observation to note:

Why is it that the Anime section is an entire row,

while the poetry section contains only two side-by-side shelves?

(Anime- something I don't think I will EVER understand...

along with Long John Silvers, tights as pants, and people who drive Hummers.)

But back to the matter at hand:

my day off.

I have so much that I want and need to do,

and yet all I can think about is sleep.

I want to do so much of it during the day

and none of it during the night.

But, this, THIS, is me with eyes wide open.

And they will not give into sleep until tonight...

or at least for another twenty minutes or so.

courage.

2010-02-05T14:11:00.003-06:00

(holga- December, 2009)

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."

-e.e. cummings

I am currently learning this lesson,

day by day.

For reasons that are, I'm sure, quite logical,

I've slipped back into a place of lots of questions and thoughts

regarding who I am and who I was

and why this life I have now looks the way it does.

(And, for the record, I had no intention of piecing together that last sentence to rhyme.)

I want to believe that I am able to be loved.

I want to believe that someone will some day value me because of who I am,

and not just because of who they want me to be.

I want this.

I just need more of that reckless courage,

I think.

food, inc.

2010-02-04T11:13:00.007-06:00

Oftentimes, night time proves to be a bit of a battle for me.

I struggle to find the rest I need,

and more often than not,

it takes me hours to fall asleep.

It started about the time that things between the boy and I began to disintegrate,

and it has proven to stick around for a bit longer than I had hoped.

So,

some nights I read.

Other nights I write.

Sometimes I count to some impossibly high number, like two thousand and fifty-four,

and then, still, other times all I can do is pray.

(Which is to say that I should probably pray more,

but I tend to believe that there is a lot of prayer to be found in our reading and in our writing,

and quite possibly even in our counting.)

But I digress.

And, then, on some nights,

(like last night)

I hack into my mom's Netflix account and watch a movie.

Which brings me full circle to what this post is really all about:

This film:

I finally watched it.

And it was horrifying, really.

I have a lot of thoughts on the matter as of today-

thoughts that I know most of my friends, past and present, have been sharing passionately for a long time.

But it wasn't until late last night,

circa 2 a.m.

that some of the pieces began to fall into place.

So, watch it, I say.

And then let's discuss.

For more information on the film and the issues behind it,

visit here.

a woman of a certain age.

2010-02-03T15:13:00.003-06:00

Yesterday, as I was taking Marlo on a quick walk,

I happened upon this adorable older woman.

I quickly snapped a picture

(because I'm creepy like that)

and made a mental note to strive for this kind of excellence when I'm her age.

She took the sweetest, sassiest sock-clad steps you've ever seen,

and when I passed her and said hello,

she looked over at me and asked "How do you do?"

Love.

a picture of a red door...

2010-02-02T11:44:00.004-06:00

(holga- November 2009)

... because I love an audacious red door.

And because my eyes feel heavy

and my thoughts seem to be racing in a way that I haven't felt in a while.

And because I'm all out of journal pages to fill,

and have resorted to index cards and scraps.

And so, while it probably doesn't make any sense,

I look at this kind of thing-

this picture-

and I'm reminded that sometimes the simplest of pleasures initiate the greatest of feelings.

I'm reminded that this season of loneliness won't be forever,

and that there is always hope beyond what we can see.

awards.

2010-01-31T11:43:00.005-06:00

Sometime during these last few days,

two sweet ladies passed a couple of blog awards my way.

Elizabeth from Simply Bee asked me to share seven things that I love,

and Adri from I Love My Rain Boots asked me to share seven facts about myself.

Thank you and thank you to both of you wonderful ladies!

(Ha! I've got you both fooled into thinking I've got interesting things to share;))

Amalgamation,

shall we?

1. LOVE: this face-

2. FACT: I've got two (TWO!) of the world's smallest ears.

1 and a 1/2 inches in height, my blogging friends.

And for those who are wondering, that's really small.

3. LOVE: This show. It's like crack cocaine to me.

(Anyone else see the irony in that statement?)

In fact, just the other night, a bit past midnight, I shouted at my roommate as she headed to bed: "WAIT! SERIOUSLY? You CAN NOT go to bed! REHAB is on!"

She laughed at me.

And then she went to bed.

4. FACT: It wasn't until I was a junior in college that I learned the expression "bane of my existence" was not actually "vein of my existence", as previously thought

(and loudly used on many an occasion).

5. LOVE:

This picture of my mom and dad. I took this with the Holga a few months back following the funeral of my sweet MaMa. (A small west Texas town- can you tell the wind is blowing?)

(Aren't they the cutest?)

6. FACT: When I was younger I had a slight speech impediment in which I hissed a bit too strongly when using the letter "s".

But, in one of life's many twists of fate, this only served to help me procure the role of the serpent in my high school's performance of The Little Prince.

I pretty much nailed it.

7. LOVE: Rereading this book.

I am most certainly always in need of more thoughts on faith.

Now, onto more wonderful bloggers and thinkers.

If I tag you, take your pick of what you would like to share.

Katie at her Blahg.

Nikki at The Grateful Sparrow

Rachel at ...Of Course She Did

Meg at Curls and Coffee

Samantha at Post Grad Hair Cut

Leila from Dandelion Daydream Photography