Saturday, April 24, 2010

little black book.

I don't know if you've noticed
(you being the very few readers that peruse this site consistently)
but recently I've been feeling kind of silly about this whole blogging thing.

(And, I've noted from several other bloggers out there, that I'm not the only one.)

I've found myself loathing this little space more and more,
not because of you and your wonderful selves,
but because of me,
and my terrible insecurities.

I started this little blog for my beautiful mom,
so that she could read about the little quirks of my every day.
I wanted to share my life.
I wanted to make her laugh.
I wanted to make you laugh.Italic

And then, well, it got a little hairy.
Difficult things (life things) transpired
and I started to feel quite sad...
and yet,
I wasn't sure how much of that to share with you all.
Some told me I was desperately depressing to read,
and others told me I wasn't being true to who I was.
I slowly stopped filling pages in my journals,
because it felt like too much work,
and instead,
started feeling the pressure to put words into this blank space,
inevitably with the hope that someone would validate me,
that someone would love me.

That feels utterly ridiculous to admit.
How did I allow a blog to become another form of pass/fail validation in my life?
It's amazing the things we are capable of when we put our minds to it.

Of course,
I can't help but notice that blogging,
in its simplest form,
is quite the self-indulgent endeavor.
Why else do we put our thoughts here,
in this public arena,
instead of tucking them away in our small black books
that remain private and untouched by others?

return to my own blank pages I will.
I've missed them.

if you're lucky,
what's left over in my brain may find its way over here to this little blog.

you see,
I like you all,
and I like sharing bits and pieces with each of you.
I just don't like the things that I've traded in to do so.


Nikki said...

I respect you for having the guts to admit it & to put your own self-preservation first. I LOVE your blog, and I look forward everyday to seeing it in my dashboard, so I hope you don't stop writing completely. But as you said, this is YOUR space, and you get to CHOOSE what you share. We readers don't intend to bully you. Write it out in your journal & come back to us refreshed. :)

Ruth said...

Oh Courtney--of course you're not alone. I've felt this overwhelmingly in the past few months. The fact that someone told you your blog is "depressing to read" makes me cringe. If you're being true to yourself and blogging what YOU want to blog, then it shouldn't matter if you're being depressing or uplifting or silly or inquisitive.

Blog for YOU, and no one else.

Liz said...

i can echo a lot of what you said in this post. I feel when I blog (however rare that is) that I have to sometimes be a little opaque, but then I fail to go back and be more specific in my journaling (which I seem to really need in order for my writing to be in any way cathartic). One of my favorite things about your blog (other than your creativity and sense of humor) are your pics... hopefully you keep posting more of those!

Lacy said...

I actually love your blog and posts no matter what tone it takes. Sometimes it does seem as if your life is going downhill and all you have to write about is sad or depressing. It's the course of life. It's inevitable. I've felt that way about my own blog. There's something therapeutic about putting those thoughts out there though. Even more so knowing that even though you may feel as if it's always taking a depressing tone, someone else may read it and feel thankful they're not alone. You're writing is amazing. I really love how you can make describing very difficult times in your life sound poetic and beautiful. It's honest and raw and very well delivered. Things will look up for you soon enough!

Alyssa said...

Im so looking forward to seeing more posts from you :)
Blogs can be overwhelming at times, but its cool when you make it YOU again x

Elizabeth said...

i completely understand what you mean. this happened to me almost two years ago when a close friend passed away. i'm glad you've decided to use the black journal for your personal thoughts. i will be doing the same also :)

good luck, and your blog is amazing. i love it!

rachael said...

why do i feel like you are breaking up with me? j/k. love you lady.

olive juice photography said...

you arent alone! and i admire that you are taking things back into your hands.. i LOVE your little space! i know i havent been here in about a week or so.. but i do love reading your stuff! i will keep checking back for some more awesomeness :)