Sunday, September 13, 2009

A rainy kind of process...

Here it is, Sunday afternoon and it's thundering loudly. The clouds and rain continue to haphazardly move through this part of the world, and while there is a certain peace and charm that comes with their presence, I'm also struggling to peer beyond the grey, to the happy stuff- to the sunshine that has to be hidden somewhere behind their masses. I think any reader of this blog has, at some point, probably picked up on my tendency to be a bit melancholy. It's something that I've struggled with for as long as I can remember, and the past few months have brought a wave of blue that I am, quite literally, battling with every moment of every day. I am not quick to call it depression, but I'm wise enough to acknowledge my boundaries and moods, and for the sake of those dear people that surround me, I desperately want to "get better".

I say all of this because the past couple of days have left me struggling. The rain doesn't help, nor do certain other minor stressors in my life, but truly, as I've always been told, the biggest contributor to my sadness continues to be my head. I think, and I think, and I think... too much, I realize, and lately I've been asking myself where the correct line is. I am self-aware enough to know that it is very nearly impossible for me to not think about the things in my life that affect my heart. I am not able to merely "stop thinking so much", as I've been told by many a friend and family member. And yet I know that their words hold truth- I DO think things to a place of utter desperation, and generally what I'm left with is something that has been wrung dry of any joy and instead appears bigger and darker and scarier than necessary.

So here are a few truths:

No, I don't love this place I am in, and Yes, I am still suffering from some pretty stiff rejection from the man that I have loved for most of my adult life, and Yes, I am unbelievably scared of this profession that I have chosen to pursue with all of my energy and finances and time. But, yet, there must be a purpose for all of it and some goodness in all of it and so, you see, I am forced to THINK about ALL of it in order to discover the GOOD and GREAT parts of it...

I'm not sure if any of that makes sense.

(Are you beginning to see my tendency to think about things too much??)

However, at the end of the day, I haven't lost my hope. And, for me, and for anyone who has struggled with innate sadness, this truly is the very strongest of glue that holds life's hardest moments together. I must trust and I must pray and I must laugh and I must feel the wind on my face and the sun on my back. I must continue to hope for the things that are unseen- for my future, for experiences that are yet to come, for new friends and relationships, for new tastes and smells and views. I must find joy in the small things and smiles on the faces of strangers. I must continue to talk to those who love me and pray to the one who created me and find the peace that comes with loving the real "me"...even with all of my quirks and over-thinking ways.

It's a scary process, but I know it's also sacred one.

And so, I'm trying to find the balance and the grace in all of it. I know life isn't always pretty and without pain. But right now, sitting on the porch listening to the new rain beginning to fall, I have to cling to who I am and who I know to be- a thinker and an observer. I just pray and hope that I have the endurance to see through to the sunnier side.


Leah said...

We all get our share of low moments... I just had mine a couple of weeks ago. But maybe, the difference between you and me is that I don't think much. I can only think as far as my minute brain can handle. Did I make you laugh? Oh that's true, I can easily channel my thoughts to happy things.

You know what I always do whenever I feel sad, I write down all the stuff that makes me happy.

Girl, take it from me... I'm so much older than you... there is always sunshine after the rains. Hang in there!

Catherine said...

This is something that Tom struggles with as well. Being on the other side of it, I have had a tendency to tell him not to think so much, and have come to a better understanding that he is literally incapable of doing so.

Everyone has their dark days, their inner demons, the things that they struggle with from day to day. Maybe I'm a pessimist, but I don't believe the people who consistently try to tell the world how happy they are. And I love the people who are just plain honest. That's why I love your blog - because the fact that you are melancholy drives me to think deeper about my own life, and the way I do things...even down to the way I blahg. I think we are both very similar in many ways, though sometimes we handle situations differently...or maybe you are just more honest with yourself than I am, and I don't always see my own ways of handling my struggles...did that make any sense at all?

I guess my point is that you just need to keep doing the things that make you sane. Whether that's time with your girls at the beach, writing, drinking coffee, or yelling at your dog, :) , it's important that you stick with that which makes you feel the best...even at your worst times.

And honestly, KEEP THINKING. You will never, ever figure it out. You will always be puzzled by your situation, no matter what situation that happens to be. You will never have a full understanding for what God intended. But thinking about it will enable you to be honest with yourself, and that, in my opinion, is far superior than pretending you are in a different boat than you actually are.

I think you're fantastic! :)

M.E. said...

Wow, I am so thankful to be your friend, Courtney. And I am so very sorry these past few days have been especially hard... I wish I had some life altering wisdom I could share, but I just can't seem to find the words. But I can say this- I am here for you... just as you are.

tsizzleforizzle said...


Morgan Rae said...

I don't know you very well...yet, but I believe I'd love to be good friends. I love very real people that can be as transparent as you. I also have very blue times. I still don't know how to get past them but they come and go in seasons and it's a time that I am forced to pray and rely on the strength of my Father. Thank you for sharing your heart. -morg

Chloe T said...
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Chloe T said...

Wow - I don't know you but I just recently found your blog.. and fell in love with it.
I'm sorry that you feel this way and I definitely know that it's difficult to follow your family and friends' advice, especially when you don't want to. Anyone would be lucky to be your friend or even just an acquaintance, you seem truly genuine which is hard to come by nowadays.

I hope you feel better soon, but it's true that nothing is plain sailing and that there will always be ups and downs. Suck it up and you'll find that things do get better with time. You seem really wise too haha, so I doubt you needed me to tell you that, but I've found that it's nice to hear some encouragement, whoever it's from, and without you knowing.

Just wanted you to know that, and uh this may come off as pretty creepy so I'll end this comment now - keep your head up high!