Thursday, August 20, 2009

It's a late night. The house is quiet. The roommate is home. My feet are cold and my hands are dry. I worked late and came home later but it seems that my mind will not rest. I've been sifting through a lot of thoughts lately, about who I am and who I want to be. I've been praying a lot lately too, pleading for some kind of reassurance that this place I am in will be all it needs to be, that it will weather me in a way that allows the soot to settle and the true matter to be revealed.

I talked to a dear friend the other night and we discussed the issue of happiness. We asked each other what we thought it meant, this idea of true and utter contentment. I told her I wasn't really that sure about all of it, that it was an idea I've been mulling over for quite a while now. She said she wasn't too sure either. And as I listened to her I realized, once again, how so many of us seem to be making this pilgrimage together. We are moving toward knowing ourselves more fully and changing the things that need to be changed. We're forever asking and listening for the small whispers that urge us to move forward and experience our life. I want to do that; I want to not just hear, but really listen. I want to stoop forward in a way that allows me to not just see the life happening around me, but to really participate in it.

And so, tonight, as I get into my bed, the same one I've had for almost ten years, I'll try to silence my thoughts. I'll do my best to funnel my questions and ideas into a place that is peaceful and languid. I'll toss and I'll turn, but in the end, I'll give up the fight and release this day that I've been given. And tomorrow morning, when I open my eyes, even if for a brief moment, I'll stay in that stillness of self, enjoying the feeling of breath and life and the unknown. I will listen. I will wait.

And then, well, then I will get up, touch my toes to the floor and go feed my dog.


zenfullyme said...

I really liked this post. I agree, so much of us just get caught up in our lives that we don't actually appreciate the life we were given. We keep things up at such a fast pace that before we know it everything becomes a blur. If we slow down, pay attention, think things through, take notice of the small, simple things that make life so great, then maybe we wouldn't feel so caught up in it all. We wouldn't be so overwhelmed. Then maybe we'd be a little more content with the obstacles we face on this path we've taken instead of being so discouraged and unhappy about it.

M.E. said...

I really enjoyed this post too- you are such an amazing writer. So glad we got to hang out the other day, I had such a good time. Hope you have a great weekend!

Kristin said...

You write beautifully!

Des said...

Excellent post. You and your friend were dicussing one of the most fundamental and important questions a person can ask: What is happiness to you? This is such a complicated and layered question with no easy answers.