It's been an eventful past few days. One of my old collage roommates from Baylor, and coincidentally, one of my dearest friends, came up to visit for the weekend. We spent some wonderful time together talking and remembering and crying and laughing and just being. It was much needed on my end and I so appreciate her four hour trek to come sit in my small house by my side.
And this afternoon, I spent a bit of time with my good friend Drew. He's taken a job in Dallas and so he is one more friend that is leaving us to move on to special things beyond this place. I'm so excited for him- for his future and for his life- but it's sad to be left behind. I keep experiencing the same feelings as I say goodbye over and over to people that I love so much. I know it's not the end of these relationships. But yet, you can't deny the change that comes with life. Ebb and Flow, as they say.
I'll be vulnerable here and say that I've been quite fretful and antsy lately. I feel itchy, as if I'm ready to be rid of here and experience new things. But I love the people in my life now and I don't want to run away from the experiences that are happening in this season of things... I'm just not quite sure what part of my heart to listen to and trust. I want peace. It's what I've always wanted, and yet sometimes it feels like I've never been farther away from it.
And so now, on this rainy afternoon, I will study. I will open up my book and try to focus all of my attention on this very expensive endeavor I've committed to- school. I will try not to think about the things that I've sacrificed in order to be here. I'll try no to think about the "what if's" of life and the "I wonder's" of my post-college existence. I want to be diligent to where I am and to what I'm studying. It's just that some days I am so unsure about this path that I've chosen... and that scares me. I don't want to be scared, and worse, I don't want to make decisions based on fear. I want to live each day being confident that I am where I am supposed to be. So, I guess I continue to pray. It always seems like it comes back to that.
So, today, on the sabbath, I will continue to pray. I will pray first for peace. And then for joy. I think it's been a long time since I've experienced both together in a way that allows life and the music it makes to envelop and overwhelm me. I'm ready to love the life I have chosen. I'm just trying to figure out how to do so.