Sunday, July 26, 2009

It's been an eventful past few days. One of my old collage roommates from Baylor, and coincidentally, one of my dearest friends, came up to visit for the weekend. We spent some wonderful time together talking and remembering and crying and laughing and just being. It was much needed on my end and I so appreciate her four hour trek to come sit in my small house by my side.

And this afternoon, I spent a bit of time with my good friend Drew. He's taken a job in Dallas and so he is one more friend that is leaving us to move on to special things beyond this place. I'm so excited for him- for his future and for his life- but it's sad to be left behind. I keep experiencing the same feelings as I say goodbye over and over to people that I love so much. I know it's not the end of these relationships. But yet, you can't deny the change that comes with life. Ebb and Flow, as they say.

I'll be vulnerable here and say that I've been quite fretful and antsy lately. I feel itchy, as if I'm ready to be rid of here and experience new things. But I love the people in my life now and I don't want to run away from the experiences that are happening in this season of things... I'm just not quite sure what part of my heart to listen to and trust. I want peace. It's what I've always wanted, and yet sometimes it feels like I've never been farther away from it.

And so now, on this rainy afternoon, I will study. I will open up my book and try to focus all of my attention on this very expensive endeavor I've committed to- school. I will try not to think about the things that I've sacrificed in order to be here. I'll try no to think about the "what if's" of life and the "I wonder's" of my post-college existence. I want to be diligent to where I am and to what I'm studying. It's just that some days I am so unsure about this path that I've chosen... and that scares me. I don't want to be scared, and worse, I don't want to make decisions based on fear. I want to live each day being confident that I am where I am supposed to be. So, I guess I continue to pray. It always seems like it comes back to that.

So, today, on the sabbath, I will continue to pray. I will pray first for peace. And then for joy. I think it's been a long time since I've experienced both together in a way that allows life and the music it makes to envelop and overwhelm me. I'm ready to love the life I have chosen. I'm just trying to figure out how to do so.


Catherine Jeter said...

Courtney - have faith in knowing that you've chosen the right path because it is the path you have chosen. Every decision you make should come from your heart, and never your head (in my own opinion) - I think it is our heart that leads us to the safest place to be, the place we are supposed to be. After awhile, our head starts to take over, causing us to question our own hearts, but at the end of the day, it is only our heart that speaks the truth.

Even though you feel as though everyone around you is moving in fast forward, while you continue to live a life much like the one you have lived in the past, know that they, too, felt stuck at some point or another. You are pursuing your own road of success, even if it takes you a little longer to reach the end of the rainbow. Take in all that you have now - your freedom, your ability to write and listen to the rain, your empty home with your new puppy - because all these things, at some point, will be things you look back upon fondly, and wonder why they ever made you feel as though you might be unhappy.

Only God knows where we will end up and how we will get there. Sometimes we just have to let Him have the reigns and trust that we are heading in the right direction.

Hearing your vulnerability in your writing, as well as seeing how incredibly intelligent and intuitive you are, gives me no doubt in the world that you are headed for great things...even if you can't see them.

Chin up. =)

erin - heart in ireland said...

thanks for the comment :)

i'm looking forward to checking out more of your blog, and good luck with everything!