Friday, June 12, 2009

Glue.

I guess change might be the name of the game for now. Not a whole lot of it, but enough to where I sense my world shifting a bit... and in a meaningful way, I suppose. The last month has been nothing if not shaky. I love my friends, the ones who allow me to be just plain awful and no fun to be around. At times I've felt a little bipolar, which, let's just be honest, isn't that far away from how I tend to be even when my little corner of the universe is sitting nice and pretty. The catalyst for my temporary insanity? The end of a four year on and off relationship that my friend Nick once described as a "really long and boring roller coaster ride." Well, it seems the ride's up. The boy decided to pursue some shinier places and people. Seeing as how we were good friends before the whole relationship debacle, I want to be happy for his honesty and his decisions. Some days I am. Other days I am most definitely and angrily not. That's all I'll say about that.

So, because I am me, my mind has been in overdrive. As with any form of rejection, there seems to be a place deep down inside of you that finds confirmation. All of those ridiculous fears- the ones that convince you you are an awful pear-shaped person with a mind of mush and no potential for greatness- yeah, for a second, you actually start to believe them. And then the dominos begin to tumble, one after another. Lately I've found myself questioning everything about my life: what I'm studying, where I'm living, what I'm wearing, what I'm eating, how fast I drive, how I drink my coffee, how I pronounce the word "salt"... literally EVERYTHING. While I'm all for asking yourself the important questions when necessary, I'm definitely not in support of asking them all at the same time. It's like a war inside my head.

Luckily, I've had some recent distractions. Classes have started for me and Monday through Thursday from 10:30 to 2:45 I find myself sitting in a room willing myself to pay attention. On the up side, my professor is ridiculously handsome and witty to boot. On the down side- he's my professor. The class is essentially an extended research project involving small groups and lots of time spent on the PsychInfo database. All of you psych majors out there know what I'm talking about. Don't even try to act like you don't. Other distractions include: cleaning the house, working and working, financial stress (what's new?) and surprisingly, experiencing a suppressed appetite. The latter is a noteworthy event because I can't EVER remember that happening. So, you know, the world keeps on turning.

Lately I've been reading Traveling Mercies by Anne LaMott. She's irreverent and honest and I like her. A lot. There's so much hope to be found in her kind of honesty and I find myself falling asleep at night with her book on my chest. Last night I read this, a line she quotes from Eugene O'Neill:

"Man is born broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is glue."

Yep.

And I mend on.




3 comments:

zenfullyme said...

I completely understand what you mean about change. Within about the past month, my entire life has changed, everything. My 4 year, steady relationship has come to an end. I lost both my jobs, but got a new one. And I moved back home. I'm all for change, but in moderation. Luckily, I've been able to see the brighter side of things, and really that's all that gets me through. Life's tough. You're not alone! I hope things get better for you soon.

Shannon said...

oh anne lammott... I am so glad you have found that book... I found it under the seat of a camp van last summer. someone had started it... decided it was heathenish... and discarded it... where I found it... enjoy! ps... miss seeing your lovely witty self around tyler

dont blink. said...

well...you can continue to have a suppressed appetite and watch me eat it all away from you, while sitting boringly on my porch or couch and watching Mary go on the HOt Tamale Train...I truly love you and who you are, and apparently I need to start reading about this "glue" because I like it.