So, because I am me, my mind has been in overdrive. As with any form of rejection, there seems to be a place deep down inside of you that finds confirmation. All of those ridiculous fears- the ones that convince you you are an awful pear-shaped person with a mind of mush and no potential for greatness- yeah, for a second, you actually start to believe them. And then the dominos begin to tumble, one after another. Lately I've found myself questioning everything about my life: what I'm studying, where I'm living, what I'm wearing, what I'm eating, how fast I drive, how I drink my coffee, how I pronounce the word "salt"... literally EVERYTHING. While I'm all for asking yourself the important questions when necessary, I'm definitely not in support of asking them all at the same time. It's like a war inside my head.
Luckily, I've had some recent distractions. Classes have started for me and Monday through Thursday from 10:30 to 2:45 I find myself sitting in a room willing myself to pay attention. On the up side, my professor is ridiculously handsome and witty to boot. On the down side- he's my professor. The class is essentially an extended research project involving small groups and lots of time spent on the PsychInfo database. All of you psych majors out there know what I'm talking about. Don't even try to act like you don't. Other distractions include: cleaning the house, working and working, financial stress (what's new?) and surprisingly, experiencing a suppressed appetite. The latter is a noteworthy event because I can't EVER remember that happening. So, you know, the world keeps on turning.
Lately I've been reading Traveling Mercies by Anne LaMott. She's irreverent and honest and I like her. A lot. There's so much hope to be found in her kind of honesty and I find myself falling asleep at night with her book on my chest. Last night I read this, a line she quotes from Eugene O'Neill:
"Man is born broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is glue."
And I mend on.