So. The recent crashing of my shiny new macbook has brought me to my knees in a serious inquiry of my life. It seems to me (and let me preface by stating the understanding of my self-centered view of things) that there is a general pattern in how things tend to work our for me... and that is not very well.
My mom tells me it's because I "put out negativity into the universe" and it comes right back at me in various forms. I know she's at least 45% right, but for what it's worth, I try to be positive. I really do. I've thought about her accusation and I understand it's validity and so, with that understanding, I've tried to move forward in a positive direction. But you see, it hasn't seemed to help.
Let me give you just a few basic examples:
1. My car. When I decided to buy a new car/totaled my last car with three junior high girls along for the ride, I tried to make a wise choice regarding my purchase. My dad preached imports and I agreed and so I went for another Honda. I took out a small loan, bought it like a big girl and drove home a used, horrible teal-colored 1996 Accord. A good choice I was told. It seems to work for everyone else, I noted. But I think I forgot who I was dealing with in this scenerio- ME. To date I've had the car in the shop at least every three months for the last two years. Not all major things, mind you, some just little tune-ups, but still just enough to make me wonder if I made a bad decision. At this point, I think the car is almost rebuilt (see! look at me trying to be positive...).
2. My romantic relationships (ok, let's be honest, my relationship, singular). Without getting too personal, I've never been great with relationships, and well, if the last four years of my life have proven anything, it's that I obviously don't handle them in a normal capacity. They seem to work for everyone else (kind of like what I thought about the Honda) but when push comes to shove it seems that I just can't hang in a very real and lasting way. I want to be normal and I want to experience the things that it seems everyone else experiences, but again, it's in and out of the shop, over and over again. Give me a wonderful boy that the rest of the world would take and run with and I promise you I will destroy every good thing about him. (If you're reading this, and you know who you are, I apologize for talking about you in my lame little blog. It just was a really fitting example, you know?)
3. Most recently, as I noted above, my coveted macbook. Last night I went to turn it on and I was greeted with a blank screen and loud beeping. But it's a mac! I thought to myself. This is why I bought it... to avoid things like this. Everyone told me the mac would treat me so beautifully... But, once again, I so hastily forgot who the main character of this story is, and once I remembered it all began to make sense. I even gave myself the positive pep talk, aided by my friend Brent, about how I could get it fixed, and it will be free and how I will just have to drive it to Dallas, which isn't that far, and if they can't fix it there then they'll just have to send it away, which won't be that long... maybe two to three weeks... sigh... I'm trying to believe myself. I really am. The problem is, sometimes it just doesn't work.
If you've made it through this much of my self-wallowing, then I applaud you. Let me assure you, all of this is written a bit tongue and cheek, and most days, I can see past these little grievances to take in the bigger picture. But other days, like today, it all feels like so much and I can't help but feel a bit dysfunctional. I guess maybe I should switch my theory around and start buying crappy products, work low-paying jobs (wait! I already do that...), go out with horrible men, and trade in my Accord for a 1979 Ford Pinto.
Alright. Enough of my grumblings. I'm going to go feed the grumble in my stomach now.