Monday, September 8, 2008

Saying goodbye.

I sit here tonight, and I have to be honest in my melancholy. I think the last two weeks' events are all catching up with me. I'm feeling lots of different things, and I haven't been too wonderful at articulating them very well, and maybe my hope is that typing them out in this small, white space will help me understand things a little bit better.

It seems that my life is changing- not just a little, but actually quite a lot. I am pretty sure that up to this point I've been going along for the ride and enjoying the new places and faces of it all. I'm still enjoying all of those things, I think that now is just the time when I am starting to understand what all of it really means.

I finished my first day of work today. To the few of you that actually read this blog and care, I did end up getting a job at the highly controversial, wonderfully corporate coffee hub of America known as Starbucks. I feel blessed to even have a job, especially one that will eventually provide me insurance for part-time work, but it is certainly a change in space and dynamics from the all-consuming job/life/playground that was my last place of employment. Don't get me wrong, I liked today, and it felt nice to have new challenges and to meet new people- not to mention the hordes of free coffee I have coming my way, but in the end I can't deny just how different it really is.

Yesterday Lyndsey and I got home from a quick weekend trip to Waco, where we essentially took a 24 hour tour of my college past. Old acquaintances seemed to be everywhere, and my dear, dear friends and roommates were there from near and far. We all gathered together (along with about 200 hundred other people) to watch the final show of a band formed by some close friends that we have watched grow over the last six years. Their show was mesmerizing and I found myself crying as they left the stage and said their goodbyes. But what I realized that night is that while we were all there to say goodbye to the band and who they were, I think what we were really saying goodbye to was our college life and who we were. As I drove out of Waco I realized just how much I have grown since I called it home and just how far removed from it I am. It's not my place anymore and what it was will never be again.

And tonight, I received a phone call from my mom that has left me feeling a little helpless and introspective. She called to tell me that my grandma's cancer has spread more than we thought and that there is nothing that can be done for her. She's very sick and we are not sure how much longer she will be able to go on. I honestly don't even know how to process what that really means. I love her so very much and it breaks my heart to think of her hurting. It breaks my heart to think of her not being alive. It breaks my heart to think of the absence her death will bring.

I know that life brings change, both in big ways and small ways. Death happens all around us- in the places and things we leave and in the people that leave us.

I think that right now I am just having a hard time saying goodbye.


Ashley said...

Aw, Court. I just want to drive down South and give you a huge hug. Sounds like you have loads of change going on in your life...good and bad. Hang in there. -Much love from NE

Liz said...

I feel that same ache when I think of my grandparents.

Saying goodbye is so painful, even when it's the healthy thing to do. I know. I'm feeling it too, even if on slightly different terms.

david said...

/non-smile that says what you think it says. love ya, grl.